Evolution

The joke starts with Beyonce and a bird; ‘put a wing on it’, then it evolves to making fun of the Chinese, then it goes right in the trash.

Chaper 3: Lies, Misinformation, Untruths, Smokescreens, Bullshit, and More Lies

I’m posting most, if not all, of the next comedy book before I publish. Skipping chapter two for now because I’m not quite finished with it, but there is no particular order. Each one is pretty much independent of any other. There will be more to chapter three as well, but this piece is self contained.

***

When the criminals make the laws, everybody is guilty.

We are lied to every single damn day of our pathetic, boring and tedious lives. The river of bullshit continues to overflow like… like an overflowing river. I know, you are astounded by my literary skills, I can tell. What can I say? I’m gifted. Who, you might ask, is lying to us? Well, the government, obviously…

Politicians are simultaneously dicks and pussies, so they can literally go fuck themselves.

…the ‘news’ media, perhaps even more obviously…

They call it news because it’s new. There’s a reason it’s not called trues.

…your siblings…

I’d love to come to that thing, but I’m busy whatever day you’re asking me to go.

…your friends…

Best friends forever!

…your girlfriend…

Just a night out with the girls, honey.

…your boyfriend…

I’m listening.

…podcasters…

We have a large fan base!

…your teachers…

There’s no such thing as a stupid question.

…lawyers…

Do I even need to give an example?

…cops…

I don’t want to give you this ticket, I have to.

…adults in general…

When many of you were small children and Christmas time came around (like a circle jerk), we know what that meant. That’s right. It was time to lie and set a horrible example. If you’re religious, don’t forget to tell them that an omnipotent sky faerie is watching them at all times, even when they’re dropping a deuce. And if they aren’t good, they have an eternity of fire and brimstone and possibly Rod Stewart holiday classics on repeat at full volume (on shitty, overpriced, overrated, bass heavy Beats headphones) to look forward to when they inevitably perish.

Life is too short to not make it shorter.

Oh, but that’s not all, folks. Our severely retarded society has somehow crafted a way to include the atheists and agnostics into the insanity as well. But this other guy isn’t all powerful, he is just gifted with the aforementioned ability to see you when you’re sleeping and yes, pooping. Terrifying, if one stops and thinks about it. But that’s not all. He has a flying sled powered by magical animals and somehow is able to deliver toys in one night to billions of children. So be good, kids, or… or what? He won’t give you presents? Oh no, don’t be silly. We say it, but we can’t even stick to that part of the moronic story.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting unicorns are real 😀

Billy, remember when Johnny punched you in the stomach last week and then told the girl you like that you cried like a baby that got their pacifier taken away? Well, sorry to spoil it for you but he’s getting a pony and a mini bike on the morning of the 25th, and you’re getting socks and a used set of generic Legos that you have to use a hammer and chisel to piece together because his parents are rich and yours are poor.

The great thing about being poor is haha nothing, fucking loser. Get a real job.

I know what you’re thinking. C’mon, don’t be such a spoilsport. It’s just a little white lie. But it’s not. You’re telling them that magical beings exist. It’s highly ridiculous and shameful. And telling them they aren’t real won’t devastate them as much as when they find out on their own and know that the same parents who told them not to lie, lied to them.

Hypocritical much?

Since when is honesty a bad thing? Why not just tell your kids that Ol’ Saint Nick is make believe, and if they are a brat then they won’t get the good toys they want. They know Transformers and Dora aren’t real but they’ll watch that shit on a loop twenty-four fucking seven if you let them. That kind of shit doesn’t matter to them as much as you think it does. And don’t get me started on Jesus and Mohammad and Vishnu and all that other silly hogwash.

Know Jesus, no peace. No Jesus, know peace.

If we are expecting to live in a world where people are honest and respectful to each other, we have to start at the source.

Factories in China?

The children. The more we lie to those lil’ tricycle engines that will one day be adults, the more likely they are to grow up to do the same thing and the cycle of bullshit continues. Treat your kids like they have a brain, because they do. And treat them with respect. They know there is a real world and a make believe one, and they’re fine with that. No reason to muddy the waters.

Parents have bags under their eyes. Those without children prefer Gucci.

…drug companies…

This will solve the problem that the other drug we sold you caused, and so on, and so on…

…phone, cable and internet service providers…

You call them hidden charges, they call them many different names, I call them horseshit.

Even your local grocery store lies to you. Look around next time you go. How many items do you see that end in 99? The vast majority of them. Why? I’ll tell you why. Many years ago, studies were conducted (and most likely paid for) by people with entirely too much bloody money. I mean that in both the British and the blood money way. These people, whom I will henceforth refer to as ‘assholes’, came to figure out that a certain perecentage of the population, whom I will henceforth refer to as ‘idiots’, are more likely to buy something if it says $2.99 rather than $3.00. So the assholes told all the other assholes this little clever way to lie to make a few more extra cents and the idiots have been falling for it ever fucking since.

My cock has declared jihad on your dirty, capitalist pig snatch.

This lovely, trash hole of a planet is comprised of idiots and assholes. The assholes are the fucking bastards (you know who you/they are), and the rest of us are idiots for not rising up and killing all those grubby, cunty assholes.

And the worst perpetrator of lies of all of them? The one you trust, the one that cares for you and raised you and (probably) loved and/or loves you. Your mother.

You’re special.

Thanks mom!

Lying bitch.

Spank 2, Part One: History of the World

In 2012, I self-published a book of humor, available here on amazon along with three others for the low, low price of three bucks each. I am currently working on a sequel, Spank Material for the Clinically Insane: Part Deuxdeux. I know, it’s a stupid title, but I have time to change it to something dumber before it gets published. Here’s the intro.

***

Greetings and salutations fellow freaks, folks, faggots, females, fellas, fudgepackers, forgers, fans, fisters, fighters, furburgers, fathers, flutterers, felines, fappers, flippers, flappers, floppers, flossers, freebasers, felchers, fucksticks, fuckholes, filibusterers, foodies, fiends, felons, familiars, foreigners, fluffers, flingers, fatties, fartists, fanatics, feminists, feminazis, fembots, flotsam, fools and friends. Welcome to the second installment of my so-called comedy series, Spank Material for the Clinically Insane: Part DeuxDeux. Get it? It’s a sequel, and I’m in France (well, I was when I wrote this part), and it sounds like doodoo. Ain’t I just the clever one?

I have a black belt in autoerotic asphyxiation.

Aside from me stroking my own ego, the main purpose of this introduction is to give you a basic idea of the structure of this titillating tome and what it’s all about. For those of you who are familiar with the first book, forget it. This one is completely different. Yes, there are tweets thrown in, but there will be a lot less because I don’t have as many ‘good’ ones as last time. I had two years worth of material before. Spank material, if you will, to pick from last time. This go ’round, I’m actually going to have to write shit that is *gasp* more than 140 characters. A lot of it on an iPhone. Why yes, I would love to shoot myself in the face, thank you very much.

My twitter is a satirical parody of a caricature of a spoof of an account that doesn’t exist.

That’s right. I am writing and editing a lot of this on a 3.5″ screen. My thumbs hurt already. But not from typing, don’t get me wrong. Most of it is from gouging out the eyeballs of three-legged orphaned kittens with Downs Syndrome. And some of them have Hepatitis C. Hey, we all have our hobbies.

Competition is tough these days. That’s why athletes do steroids and why I drive drunk.

The format of the previous book was mostly setup with a few paragraphs, then go into a buttload of jokes. Pummeling you with my brilliant stupidity. This one will mostly be a tweet after each paragraph. Although technically, they aren’t tweets anymore if they’re in an ebook and not on twitter. Sometimes, the short joke will be related to the paragraph before it, but sometimes not. I’m nothing if not unpredictable. And wildly moronic. I was told by someone who read the first chapter (hey Kiz!) that the short jokes in between make it seem like a conversation. Yeah, with an insane person. Or possibly two insane people, one just with a shorter attention span.

Fiction authors don’t keep it real.

You will notice, if you haven’t already from reading my previous non-fiction works, that I gripe a lot. I also bitch, moan and complain. That’s because every time I do the hokey pokey and turn myself around, I see something that is just plain done wrong. I’m fucking tired of it. Phones don’t work right, computers tell me shit I already know, street signs state the obvious or even worse are completely useless, and another thing, blah blah fucking blah.

Shut up shut up just shut up fucking shut up!

Alright fine, I’ll shut up. Except I won’t, because we have only just begun. Strap in, kids, it’s going to be a cunty ride.

Detour

There’s a pimple on my ass so big, I think it’s a shit that took a wrong turn.

From The <3

If you love her, slit her throat. She will thank you later. With sign language or in writing, obviously.

iPhone 4SS

Hitler didn’t hate Jews as much as I hate my phone.

Smoke ’em if ya got ’em

Mommy, what are fags?

They’re just cigarettes, Timmy.

Oh. Billy said it’s guys who fuck each other in the butt. He was way off.

Done

I am now officially sick of twitter’s bullshit. I’m fucking done.

FUCK

YOU

Original

You’re so different from other people. You’re like a breath of stupid air.